This morning at 3:30 a.m. or so, I couldn’t sleep. The fact that I hadn’t gone to bed till after 11p.m. did not elude me. This is nothing new really, but I couldn’t get my mind to shut off either.Normally, Kindle Fire is my go to distraction for occasions such as this but I couldn’t concentrate well enough to read and playing a game at that time of the morning just seemed insane to me.
I got up and went to my craft room. I didn’t want to wake my husband and creating something usually makes me feel much better. Sadly, that didn’t happen this morning but I did learn something I think.
See, I grabbed a little birdhouse that I had almost finished. It was already decoupaged, and only needed the final clear protective coat and a hanger to ready for use outside. This picture shows what an unfinished birdhouse looks like alongside the one I broke trying to put the hanging mechanism on.
I couldn’t get the hole centered on the roof so that I could thread the wire hanger. I tried the drill, but it was out of batteries. I tried a screw and screw driver to make the hole but it wouldn’t line up. I tried a nail. (Yes, at 4 a.m. I was nailing this poor sad little birdhouse.) Then, in my frustration I smashed the nail which broke the roof and the wood on the back side of the house.
As I was sitting there fuming at how I had only been trying to quietly create something nice for the birds, it occurred to me that the unfinished birdhouse would have been fine for the birds as all they do it flit in and out stopping long enough to be seen and then they are off again. I had already decoupaged the thing and it was decorated sufficiently for any feathered friend. Actually, I’m told they rather prefer the unfinished houses anyway. But I wasn’t looking for “good enough”, no, I was seeking to make it “perfect” or rather, my definition of perfect for that occasion.
I sat and let my blood pressure fall as it had risen quite high in all my frustration and I pondered how this little birdhouse was sort of representative of how I handle a lot of things.
I always want to be better, do better, try harder, give more. I always strive for “perfection” as I see it. But the thing is, in all that striving, I have never achieved perfection. I know that ‘excellence” would be a better goal. I know that the stress of always striving and never feeling “good enough” is hurting my heart; quite literally. Next week will mark the one year anniversary since I had a heart attack. This Sunday will mark three weeks since I had a TIA due to elevated blood pressure. When will I learn? What will it take for me to get it? All of this stress is killing me and most of it is self made! Of course there is stress that is just a part of life but so much could be avoided if I would just chill out and realize that God can use my broken vessel. He uses what we offer Him, He offers peace, He is The Perfection I seek and I will never be able to attain apart from Him.
So, I took my little broken birdhouse and thanked God for reminding me, again, that He uses broken things, and broken people for His glory. I created a whole new roof for the house out of craft sticks. I was going to fix the wood on the back but I knew I would likely need the reminder again so I just protected it with some glue and sealant so that I could see the scarred place in the wood.This is the front of my little birdhouse, and the next photo is the back. You can see all the imperfections and I’m learning to be okay with that.